Dear Client, You’re Fired

Dear Client,

It has been wonderful working with you on these last few projects. From the very first time we spoke, I knew working with you would be an education. Our first phone call gave me every indication.

“Hello, Writer. Can you write something for me?”

“Sure. What are you looking to have written?”

“I’m not sure, but it needs to be about 500 words because that’s what the experts say. They also say I need to use keywords, so I’ve chosen these…”

“Okay, so 500 words, and the targeted keyword phrase you want me to use is alien hunter miami las vegas.”

“Right. And I need you to use that exact wording because those are the tags for my blog. Oh, and of course the articles should have perfect grammar and no spelling or punctuation errors. I normally pay a kid in Ethiopia one kidney bean per article. What are your rates?”

“Oh, okay. Before we talk rates, let’s take a closer look at your project. So you want these articles to post on your blog, right?”

“No. I’m going to use them for article marketing, so you can’t mention me in them anywhere except the third paragraph from the end, second sentence. Oh, and you need to capitalize it like this: CliEnT, because that’s my branding.”

“Okay. Sure. Any particular tone or subject matter you’d like covered in this alien hunter miami las vegas article that you are going to use for article marketing based on your blog’s keywords?”

“I don’t know.”

“So, it could be on anything, so long as we use these keywords and don’t mention you until the third paragraph, second sentence, right?”

“Right.”

“Okay, well how about you tell me who your target market or audience is, that might help us narrow down a subject matter.”

“Well, I don’t know about target market, but I’ve read that articles on dietary supplements get a lot of hits. How about we go with some sort of healthcare topic, that way I can promote my affiliate links for SuperNukes Veggie Bars too.”

“Okaaaayy. Suuure. I can do that for you. Although, I don’t think it will make much sense to your readers. I don’t know that people looking for alien hunters are going to search for veggie bars or even be able to read an article with alien hunters miami las vegas used at 15% keyword density. In fact, I cannot guarantee the grammatical correctness of any article trying to use alien hunters miami las vegas as a plausible phrase, sir.”

“That’s okay. We’re trying to drive traffic, not sell anything just yet.”

I knew from that first phone call, that first project that you and I would learn a lot from each other. I would learn patience and careful research as I never knew there were alien hunters in Miami or Las Vegas, much less that they enjoyed SuperNukes Veggie Bars and frequented article submission sites looking for blog content to read.

You, on the other hand, would learn that stupidity costs dearly. When you rely more on expert statistical reporting than your readers, or even common sense for that matter, AND you expect to hire professional writers at a rate of $1 per 500 word article, well, sir…I think you have learned far more from this relationship than I. After all, you get what you pay for in this world.

While I understand your Adsense account has now been bugged by a renegade alien and pulls ad links for your site about diaper cream and single mom depression therapy instead of people looking to hire alien hunters, and I do regret that the comments on your blog cannot be read by most visitors because they are all in Arab and provide links to male enhancement supplements, I would like to remind you, I did warn you. I did tell you that the chosen keywords and article marketing plan you devised may not bring the results you intend. Therefore, I take no responsibility for your site remaining on the 10,234th page of Google search results or the lack of qualified traffic to your blog. You were, after all, warned.

It is with deep regret that I must now inform you that you, dear client, are

FIRED!

I simply cannot live up to the incredibly high standards you have set for your site and the written works you publish. I’m afraid I am merely a wordsmith, incapable of turning lead into gold. However, I do understand there are several internet marketers offering affiliate programs for people who know people who know people who know how to do just such things. I will be happy to provide an affiliate link for you.

Kind Regards,

Tired SEO Writer Services

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